


The We Hate Cartman Squad (pending chat name change)

by spiralsystem



Category: South Park
Genre: Aged-Up Characters, Canon-typical language, Eric Cartman Being Eric Cartman, Fluff, Genderfluid tweek tweek, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, au where kenny doesn’t actually die but he ALMOST dies like every day, chatfic, eric cartman is an asshole, genderqueer butters, texting and chatting, that’s basically what this fic is abt tbh its just. Absolute ripping on cartman, they’re all juniors in high school, tweek tweek has tourettes, why is it easier to write south park than any other fandoms
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-09
Updated: 2020-03-12
Packaged: 2021-02-27 22:28:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,259
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22623307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spiralsystem/pseuds/spiralsystem
Summary: Regular stan: so does that mean ur not gonna wear ur jacket anymoreDead stan: oh fuck no it’s comfortable as shit im just gonna have to deal with almost dying
Relationships: Craig Tucker/Tweek Tweak, Kenny McCormick/New Kid | Douchebag, Kyle Broflovski/Stan Marsh
Comments: 6
Kudos: 91





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Question 1: why am i writing fucking south park fanfiction  
> Question 2: WHY IS IT SO EASY TO WRITE SOUTH PARK FANFIC
> 
> anyway new kid/kenny is the only slowburn pairing in this and also Cartman can go die in a hole.
> 
> There won’t be any nsfw stuff in this chat anyway (besides maybe lewd mentions but such in south park fashion) but in case anyway, they’re all 16/17 yrs old.  
> Also kinda set in modern times because its not that far off and also i dont know anything about the 90’s.
> 
> This is based off an actual group chat that my friends and i have where our names are just different versions of one person in the chat and the whole point of the chat is to rip on two people we all collectively hate so.
> 
> Are chat names necessary? Uh just in case:  
> Regular stan: stan  
> Redhead stan: kyle  
> Monotone stan: craig  
> Twitchy stan: tweek tweek  
> Baker stan: butters
> 
> The ones in the other chat are hopefully obvious
> 
> Anyway please enjoy this mess.

[Chat: the We Fucking Hate Cartman squad]

4:28PM

Regular stan: i. Am gonna KILL cartman

Redhead stan: what’d he do this time??????

Dead stan: with cartman u never know but its always bad

Regular stan: so u know that dumb science tutoring thing we have after school

Regular stan: he spilled chemicals all over the desk and now there’s a giant hole in the desk

Regular stan: it almost got on my jacket

Monotone stan: jfc

Regular stan: he didnt even appoligize he just went “whoops” and left

Dead stan: im gonna chop his legs off

Bakery stan: i dont think he has enough leg to chop off

Monotone stan: lolol

Twitchy stan: i’d pay money to see that

Regular stan: kyle im coming over i cant be in the same house as my mom rn

Redhead kyle: yikes today is just not ur day is it

Regular stan: no i am 👌 this close to stabbing someone

Twitchy stan: those fingers are touching

Regular stan: exactly

Twitchy stan: hm! Dont like that!

Monotone stan: 🔫 touch my man Marsh i dare you

Regular stan: ew no offence tweek

Redhead stan: get that sappy shit out of here

Dead stan: you assholes are LITERALLY dating

Redhead stan: and?

Baker stan: cartman is on in other chat

Regular stan: someone else respond to him tbh if i even see him i might cry

Baker stan: mood but i got him dw

[Cartman is the king]

4:36PM

Cartman: hey asswipes whats up

Butterscotch: ur mum

Cartman: uncreative 0/10 could do better

Butterscotch: stfu cartman

Swamp: I’m ready to leave this chat

Touqueman: u know we’re trapped in this hell

Swamp: yeaaaahhhhh.

Cartman: hey! This chat is awesome!

Swamp has left the chat! See you soon :(

Cartman has added Swamp to the chat! Welcome!

Swamp: i wanna die

Cartman: maybe u should dickwad

Touqueman: shut up cartman

Cartman: no no like maybe he should like who cares about him anyway

Touqueman: I’m gonna kick u in the balls u ass

Cartman: i’d like to see u try tiny

Butterscotch: ok, ok maybe we just all take a breath?

Touqueman: good plan im just gonna log off for a bit i cant deal with this asshole

Cartman: up yours, buttmunch

[Chat: the We Fucking Hate Cartman squad]

4:47PM

Regular stan: I won’t say I made a mistake fighting with Cartman again but I WILL say I’m crying into my pillow for like the 3rd time today

Monotone stan: oof

Redhead stan: i’m gonna kick him square in the nuts

Baker stan: please do

Regular stan: please do

Baker stan: same braincell

Regular stan: same braincell

Redhead stan: damn well

Twitchy stan: hey btw craig and i r at the mall dyall wanna come

Regular stan: i think maybe im gonna stay home and netflix but thnx for the offer

Redhead stan: i’ll stay with stan but thnx

Baker stan: i would but my parents u know

Monotone stan: sweet date time

Regular stan: yeah like u werent already on a date anyway

Monotone stan: tru

Monotone stan: but now i get to say it without sounding like an ass for not including u guys

Redhead stan: fair lol go have fun w/ur boy

Monotone stan: he’s looking at skirts i love him so much?

Monotone stan: dont tell him i said that tho i have an image to uphold

Regular stan: we are sword to secrecy good sir

Redhead stan: sword

Baker stan: sword

Monotone stan: sword

Regular stan: i came out here to give you my support and i’m really feeling attacked right now?

Redhead stan: how is that different from normal

Regular stan: u know what fair ur right why do i even try anymore

Baker stan: bc u love us

Regular stan: yeah

Regular stan: unlike CARTMAN

Regular stan: im gonna punch his stupid face

Monotone stan: i’ll help

Regular stan: fuck yeah i’ve seen u fight we’re gonna kick his ass

[chat: the We Fucking Hate Cartman squad]

1:26PM

Dead stan: guys.

Regular stan: what’s up kenny

Dead stan: its the jacket my jacket is cursed

Redhead stan: what

Twitchy stan: yeah what

Dead stan: ok so.

Dead stan: u know how i almost die literally every day

Regular stan: yeaaah???

Dead stan: i went outside for a whole day without my jacket and nothing happened.

Twitchy stan: nothing??

Dead stan: nothing.

Regular stan: wack

Dead stan: so i tried it again a few days later. No near death experiences.

Regular stan: so does that mean ur not gonna wear ur jacket anymore

Dead stan: oh fuck no it’s comfortable as shit im just gonna have to deal with almost dying

Monotone stan: what the hell are we gonna do with u kenny

Dead stan: tell the universe to just let me die

Baker stan: absolutely not

Twitchy stan: ?? Butters when did u get on

Baker stan: uhhhhhhh

Monotone stan: Lurker Spotted

Baker stan: oh no ive been exposed

Redhead stan: that also means whoever kenny ends up dating can’t steal his jacket cause they’ll probably die

Dead stan: ur not wrong but Hey!

[chat: the We Fucking Hate Cartman squad]

2:45PM

Monotone stan: hey i just had a thought

Twitchy stan: oh no

Dead stan: oh no

Regular stan: oh no

Redhead stan: oh no

Baker stan: oh no

Monotone stan: wow thanks for the confidence guys

Monotone stan: anyway

Montone stan: i thought it’d be fucking hilarious if we ripped on cartman and then let him in the chat to read it

Baker stan: what

Redhead stan: i mean its funny in theory

Regular stan: i can only handle so much cartman dude i dont need him infecting this sacred space too

Monotone: fair but like. Think about it

Regular stan: maybe if me or kyle gets pissed off enough again like yesterday but no promises craig

Monotone: yes

Twitchy: i just want you all to know he typed deadpan but he did a massive fistpump and almost hit me in the face

Monotone stan: sorry babe

Regular stan: get ur sickeningly sweet bullshit out of my good christian chat

Redhead stan: good jewish chat*

Regular stan: fair enough none of us actually follow a religion despite what our parents think except kyle

Baker stan: we respect jews in this chat unlike CARTMAN

Regular stan: *john mulaney voice* I married a colorado jew! I did it!

Monotone: you guys arent even married

Redhead stan: that’s what the government wants you to think

Monotone stan: what

Baker stan: Kyle You Are 17

Redhead stan: yeah and

Baker stan: jesus christ on high lord above

Twitchy stan: *jesus voice* how can i help you my child

Baker stan: let me die

Twitchy stan: *jesus voice* no can doooo

Regular stan: oh Shit i gotta go my mom’s yelling at me for some reason again

Twitchy stan: see ya

Monotone stan: bye

Redhead stan: goodbye my beautiful baby boy

Regular stan: ew kyle

Redhead stan: Ike stole my phone

Baker stan: suuuure

Baker stan: anyway bye stan


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ^0^ two uploads in one day?!?   
> Anyway here have... whatever this is

[Chat: Cartman is the king]

3:15PM

Cartman: so how bout that new kid huh

Cartman: what a lame-o

Cartman: even timmy says more words that he does

Swamp: Cartman can you Please shut up. For 5 seconds

Butterscotch: idk cartman i thought the new kid was pretty cool

Cartman: you only think he's cool cause he refused to be tied to a bench as per school initiation

Touqeman: literally no one thinks thats a school initiation cartman it happened once in 3rd grade get over it

Kenny: well I like him

Cartman: you just think he's hot

Kenny: fuck you cartman!

Cartman: you didn't deny it

Kenny: i don't even know why im in this chat anymore

Swamp: me neither dude

Butterscotch: hey we should add him!

Cartman: hell no

Butterscotch: why not?

Cartman: well hes new!?! What if he turns out to be a serial killer or some shit and then we were in a chat with him and we get arrested for being accomplices or something

Swamp: what

Touqueman: what the fuck cartman

Butterscotch: what the hell

Kenny: ... what

Cartman: what? It's a rational fear you guys!

Touqueman: it really isn't

Butterscotch: idk i rlly think we should let him join

Butterscotch: but only fucking cartman has admin status fuck you cartman

Cartman: hey fuck you pastry ingredient i made this chat that means i get to be admin

Swamp: and god how i wish to escape it

Kenny: same

Kenny has changed their nickname to: Let Death Take Me!

Let Death Take Me: better

Swamp: mood

Touqueman: hey cartman give me admin for one minute

Cartman: why should i

Touqueman: i found a feature in admin settings to give everyone's nicknames a colour and i wanna impliment it but i have to do it myself because its too complicated to explain

Cartman:.... fine but as long as you give it back

Touqueman: I will

Touqueman has added New Kid to the chat! Welcome!

Cartman: GOD DAMMIT

New Kid: where am i what layer of hell is this

Cartman: GIVE ME BACK MOD RIGHT NOW KYLE

Touqueman: no lmao

Cartman: you BITCH

New Kid: please let me leave

Touqeman: no lmao

Let Death Take Me: haha this is gonna be a shitshow

New kid: who tf is that

Swamp: that's kenny

New kid: oh thank god u guys r here i dont have to deal with this moron alone

Touqueman: hey!

New kid: i meant cartman

Cartman: HEY!

Cartman has changed New kid's nickname to: Douchebag!

Swamp: oh hey new kid how come u dont talk at school but u talk here??

Douchebag: you don't have to keep calling me new kid u know idk if any of you actually listen to roll call but my name will be called every day

Douchebag: anyway i'm mute

Touqueman: well that explains it

Swamp: oh

Let Death Take Me: me stan and kyle know asl if u also know it? I get kinda hard to understand sometimes

Douchebag: oh noice yeah asl is good

Cartman: u guys r speaking that lame-o retard language lol u should be speaking english

Swamp: cartman do u even know what mute means

Cartman: yeah but like being mute is a choice right no one can just not talk

Douchebag: someone kill me

Butterscotch: no can doooo

Let Death Take Me: oh hey butters whered u go?

Butterscotch: chores

Let Death Take Me: understandable have a nice day

Cartman: anyway that's stupid

Douchebag: how do you guys listen to this kid all day

Swamp: I've learned to tune him out

Cartman: hey! I'm an eloquent genius, fuck you guys!

Touqeman: Cartman do u even know what eloquent means

Cartman: yeah i heard my mom use it to compliment some guy so it's gotta be a good thing

Let Death Take Me: Cartman ur so fucking stupid

Cartman has changed their nickname to CartKing!

CartKing: hey kyle give me back admin status

Touqueman: find i hate this chat anyway

CartKing has booted Douchebag from the chat!

Let Death Take Me: I fucking hate you Cartman

[Chat: the We Fucking Hate Cartman Squad]

3:46PM

New Kid has joined the chat!

New Kid has changed their nickname to Douchebag!

Douchebag: thanks

Regular stan: ur welc

Redhead stan: a) we need to change ur nickname

Redhead stan: b) why did u stick with that nickname

Douchebag: idk i thought it was funny

Regular stan: that's fair

Monotone stan: who tf is this guy

Baker stan: Craig its the new kid

Monotone stan: oh welcome ig

Douchebag: thanks?

Dead stan has changed Douchebag’s nickname to New stan!

New stan: fair

Monotone stan: cartman_is_a_dick.jpg

Monotone stan: how_to_slap_someone_through_the_internet.jpg

Montone stan: im dying

Twitchy stan: that bastard

Twitchy stan: im gonna kick

Twitchy stan: idk im gonna kick his head or something

Baker stan: his head?

Twitchy stan: yeah his head

Regular stan: I’d pay money to see you kick above your waist

Twitchy stan: shut up it was a stupid threat

Twitchy stan: the statement still stands though i would beat cartman tf up

Redhead stan: same

Regular stan: same

Monotone stan: same

Baker stan: same

Twitchy stan: wow

New stan: apparently y’all have one braincell and it belongs to Tweak Tweak

Twitchy stan: finally

Monotone stan: I would agree but yesterday he walked into a telephone pole and then apologized to it

Twitchy stan: bitch that was a secret

New stan: eh we’ve all done it at least once

New stan: once watched a kid on my old hockey team go sprinting down the hill after dry land practice and get clotheslined by a road sign

Regular stan: wack lmao

Baker stan: I saw Craig walk into a tree and apologize to it so yeah I feel

Redhead stan: I bet Cartman’s never apologized for a goddamn thing in his whole life

Regular stan: I wouldn’t put it past him

New stan: I don’t even know him that well but just thinking about him gets my blood boiling

Twitchy stan: wow a mood

Regular stan: oh shit dudes

Redhead stan: whats up stan

Regular stan: totally forgot my parents grounded me for no fuckin reason yesterday i’m not sposed to have my phone

Regular stan: i gotta yeet

Regular stan: see u guys later

Twitchy stan: see u

Redhead stan: rip dude

New stan: what kind of flowers do u want at ur funeral

Monotone stan: lmao see u

Baker stan: oof good luck stan


End file.
